chex mix, halloween & pride

Don’t get me wrong. Just because I’m writing again does not mean that things are suddenly peachy-keen. I just decided to quit worrying about sounding like a broken record and stick with the truth and what I’m feeling.

This week has been busy since my meeting on Tuesday. I helped Joey with a disability form that needed to be filled out. She’s not been doing well health-wise since she’s in between TNF blockers right now. The cane is getting constant use and she’s to the point where it’s starting to hurt her hand. While working my mid-weeker last week a coworker offered to let her borrow his wife’s wheelchair, as she doesn’t use it that often. I mentioned this to Joey and surprisingly she was interested. Since Pride is this weekend she wanted to be able to enjoy more of it without trying to walk around with a cane and wear herself out. After faxing the 24-page form to disability we took off for Alpharetta to pick up the wheelchair. Afterwards, we decided to head for north Georgia and seek out some Bar-BQ. We did find a place near Dawsonville named “Dogs and Hogs”. (Personally, I didn’t think it was all that great.) On the way there we passed a quilt store that we went back to after lunch. Joey ended up with some quilting squares and thread that she’s going to use to make a bag.

It was nice to get out of town if just for a short while. Once home I made some calls, sent out some emails, which are a daily ritual unless I’m teaching. Granted some things have come around, people are starting to call me a little more frequently but even so I still do not have a job and until then there’s a part of me that will fret over it until I do. I got an email from the friend I recently had it out with. The email started out that she missed me, went on to say that in the love she had for me as a friend that she was trying to forgive me for going behind her back in getting work. I just sighed and thought “Whatever” She obviously still didn’t get it. All the times she mentioned missing, love and friendship seemed hollow as I read it. She doesn’t get the fact that I was simply trying to find work to support Joey and I and not compete with her business. She went on to say that her silence hasn’t been because of lack of caring but time and that she had been very busy with the new child, etc. It was all about her, her business, her time and how all that was so very important. I replied apologizing for the misunderstanding, etc. and that taking care of Joey and finding full time employment took precedence over everything else and that perhaps later I would be in a better place to pursue forgiveness and friendship. And left it at that. I have no place for that right now and cannot get bogged down by it. 

On the homegirlz front: Ellen and Laura took a motorcycle trip up to 129 Tail of the Dragon. Prior to going Laura had fallen and bruised a nerve in her leg. Neither Joey nor I wanted them to go. I cautioned them, I tried to talk sense but neither one would listen. I pictured my friends going off the mountain because Laura’s right foot couldn’t work the rear brake peddle or not controlling the heavy bike with a passenger around all those curves. Fortunately, they both made it back without mishap but Laura hasn’t been able to walk for two days. It took a toll on her health-wise and we’ve been concerned. In the meantime, Shelia’s daughter was supposed to come home from the VA hospital today and start living with her but we haven’t heard either way. Shelia’s been very stressed about it and we want to help. So, a lot has been going on with the homegirlz.

Today, I got a new landscaping client that I’m to start work for tomorrow. I am very happy and excited about this. What is especially nice is that I got this client on my own.

We’re rolling in to pride weekend and although Joey has been relaxing all day I am still hoping she will be able to go out and dance a bit with me tonight as the Thursday’s before pride is always packed at the country bar. (We’ll see in a little bit when I wake her up.) So I know you’ve already experienced this but HAPPY PRIDE from ATLANTA ! and, HALLOWEEN! Halloween marks my 22nd anniversary of coming out of the closet. If you want to read about it go here and scroll down to Halloween Part I. 

goodbye

Today was another tough day. I am so over these. Joey and I were driving up to Lawrenceville early in the rain. We go into an argument about my attitude of late. About how shitty it is.

I agree. It is shitty.

I feel hopeless about my job prospects – despite the interview last Monday. Everyone who has said “Oh, hey – I will check on that for you” or “Send me your resume” or “I will ask around.” I haven’t really heard from except to say they’ve forwarded it to human resources. Ok, I could have done that myself. I am starting to become a skeptic when people say they can “help me.” I have emails every day saying “We have reviewed your qualifications and regret to say your qualifications don’t match the job.” Even from places I have people inside. A third of my home girlz are out of town and I am feeling blue. I feel that other than Joey, and them I have no support and that no one wants to help me. When I do ask anyone outside my family (Joey and home girlz) it’s as if I’m asking someone to sign over the deed to their house. Most times all I ask is for a contact. Someone who is the hiring manager in their company that I can call and speak to. Complete strangers have met with me so why is this so hard for people I know to do this for me? I’m not even asking them to secure an interview for me. A few weeks back I emailed and asked my friend John to ask around the county to see if he could find the name of the hiring manager for the job I was interviewing for. I never heard from him after two emails. This is a person I was instrumental in getting him a transfer into my division and a promotion when I was at the county. I couldn’t even get a reply to an email or a name for that matter. I called a former secretary and she gave me the name and the direct line. All I had to do was ask and she thought nothing of it.

Some friends when asked for help get upset that I am trying to compete with their business. Take something away from them. When Joey and I both hosted their baby shower. I had been friends with this person for over 10 years. Not anymore. I am not ready to forgive her let alone let her back into my life again. I would have strong words for her, in fact. 

Another friend who cried on my shoulder through every break up stopped returning my calls when Joey moved in with me. I knew it was because she thought I was crazy for taking in a woman I love and taking care of her. She could never see it as kindness and love but as my being crazy and she didn’t want to have anything to do with me anymore. I run into mutual friends of ours and they always say, “She’s very busy – you should call her.” I do. She never calls me back and I got tired of talking to her voicemail. And, hey – maybe I was busy, too, but I still called.

And, I haven’t heard a word from this women and Ang except for the will incidence.

After our argument this morning I had to go see my career coach. We had bumped the appointment up. I was in no mindset to see her but I thought perhaps she could help me with my second interview – should I get it. It was a little like my being a child sitting in the chair while the parent asked me what I had done, what I was going to do and so forth. I thought, “I’m paying you a lot of money lady, you tell me.” It seemed like she berated me for not immediately sending out a thank you letter to my interviewers on Monday. Silly me thought I’d wait to get a second interview and if I didn’t hear then send the thank you. Now I not only have a bad attitude, I’m an idiot, too. I wanted to slap my head and say “Oh, silly me I forgot I even HAD the interview!” (Which, is all I’ve thought about since Monday.)  I ran home and wrote, printed and put into envelopes the letters with resume enclosure to both interviewees and hand delivered it to their office – which, is right up the street from the house. There.

Not to mention that we’re trying to get Joey on Remecade and find a co-pay program for her because we cannot afford the $1000/month for that. My girlfriend is in pain daily and walks with a cane. She doesn’t complain about it, except for my attitude – which, I’m trying to work on. I wrote my shrink hoping that she can see me for a reduced price. 

I’m not sure what I’m hoping to get across in this post – I know you’re thinking, saying those friends aren’t worth it – they were never your friends let it go. I know that but it doesn’t’ mean that it doesn’t hurt all the same. That no one has my back except for Joey and the home girlz and ironically enough, my sister. It’s not enough to stress, worry and be down about not working but I also have to learn these hard lessons about people who I thought were my friends. 

I recently asked to hear from some of you and I did hear from a few but I still feel that sometimes I am just writing into dead air and sound like the broken-est record that won’t quit playing. And, that’s ok because it is my blog and I can write what I want but I may just take it to a journal from here. Maybe this is the last post for awhile. At least until things turn around. So, goodbye for awhile, possibly for good.

All the best,  

Trin

apple pie and then some….

I had a job interview on Monday with a municipality that I used to work for three years ago before I went into the private sector. I thought the interview went well and they are going to do a second round. While I haven’t heard if I made the second round yet I feel confident that I did. It’s one of those things that I know is going to drive me crazy. But….

….it all comes down to I’m either going to get the job or I’m not. I’m either meant to do this or not.

In the meantime….you remember our friend, Ellen? She has gotten emails from the ex wanting to come by and pick the dog up and take him for three weeks at a time. The home girlz think this has nothing to do with the dog but that the ex wants to keep her hands in Ellen’s life despite dumping her for another woman or three. Ellen has been upset the past few days. The home girlz also think that if she lets her take the dog there may be a good reason she may not get the dog back. We’re trying to talk some sense into her but Ellen is obviously not over her or else she’d tell her no. to kiss her ass and to fuck off. It’s sort of like watching a train wreck and feeling like there’s nothing you can do. Psychologist’s have a tough job. It rained like a mo-fo yesterday and on top of the stuff that’s going on with Ellen her basement flooded. I went over there today and pumped it out for her hoping that would give her some comfort. Laura came home and between the two of us we hauled out all the recycling and old boxes that had been ruined to the curb.

The previous evening we had dinner at the house with the home girlz. Shelia brought lasagna, Laura and Ellen brought salad and bread and Joey baked a homemade apple pie with the apples her and Laura got at the apple festival in Ellijay, GA the previous day. It was probably one of the best meals I’ve ever had. The boy had a long weekend with us and managed to suck down some lasagna and pie before his father arrived to pick him up. Shelia made a comment earlier that night around the table about us all being family and we toasted that. It hit home. All of us are either estranged from our families or not close or some even are all deceased. Later as Shelia and I opened beers in the kitchen she commented on only needing a few good friends. I said, “You really find out who your friends are when you’re going through hard times.” She agreed.

The previous night I had a dream about Susan. She used to be one of my closest friends until it became impossible to schedule any time with her. We would make plans, she would wait until the night of and cancel. I would call her, leave messages and most times no call back. I get it. She was uncomfortable with my relationship status and the fact that I wasn’t available 24/7 as flexible with my schedule anymore. In my dream, she was angry with me for not paying my tab at this restaurant we were at the previous evening. In my dream I pulled out a receipt and showed her that I had and said I paid $32 dollars. She didn’t believe me and continued to yell until I left. I thought about that dream and her and the others I’d lost along the way. But, then I thought about the ones that I had forged  – the home girlz….and realized Shelia was right.

favorite things

Joey and I spent all day cleaning the back office. It had been months since we could even see the floor or walk normally without having to dive over a sea of clutter to get to the couch. I wanted to see the surface of my desk again and be able to sit down and, well, type a post like I’m doing now.

It felt good to tidy up and I think that I will start doing little jobs like this everyday as long as I’m unemployed so I can at least feel like I am doing something constructive. The vast amounts of resume’s, applications and phone calls I am sending out into the world is really not doing it for me. It feels like they are all going into a black hole. So I thought I would list some things that I like and that make me happy. Here goes:

• A clean office (you knew that was coming first)
• Nice writing pens
• Reading glasses
• Books that excite me the minute I pick them up
• Coffee and the sound of the coffee maker beeping that it’s finished brewing
• Hanging out in coffee houses that are quiet, have good seating and scones (Joey and I have become such snobs that we go to one place now for the scones and the other for the coffee and ambiance)
• Riding when I have no destination in mind
• Random good mail (of the non-bill sort)
• Sitting outside and having drinks with a friend
• Tacos
• Burritos (ah! Now I want to go get a burrito with Joey – I am off to ask her after I type this)
• Cuddling up to my girl
• The smell of my girl
• A hot shower and minty soap
• Putting on a shirt right out of the dryer when it’s cold outside
• Email
• My MacBook Pro
• ITunes
• My Ipod
• Old movies that I like to watch over and over again

Ok, enough about me. How about you? What makes you happy? And, like Maria, I want to know who’s out there, who’s reading. Send me a good vibe by letting me know you’re there.

the heap

Just a warning, this is a long post so grab a drink bourbon, vodka, beer, wine, whiskey, scotch, gin, grain mash of your choice and settle in.

The alarm went off at a very early hour today and I rolled over and slapped the snooze. It was way too early to consider rising. I admit my unemployed ass soul has been getting used to sleeping in past eight every morning. Joey stirred and asked what time it was. After a few attempts at snooze she got up. I was cold and she turned on the heating pad and put it next to me to keep me warm while she went to put on the coffee. I buried deeper into the comforter. If I ‘d known what was to become of this day I very well would have not gotten up. We were to go to the doctor why we were getting up so early.

Lately, Joey has been in a considerable amount of pain. Seems the third medication in the series of TNF blockers hasn’t done shit failed to do its job. We were back to square one again and the doctor had worked her into an early morning appointment. When the doctor does this we never know just how long we are going to be there. We brought egg McMuffin’s, coffee and our laptops prepared to camp out. The man in the chair next to Joey in the waiting room was snoring and talking in his sleep. I had no idea how long I was going to be able to manage listening to that and cursed myself for not bringing my ipod. Fortunately, his wife came out and woke him up and they left. As they closed the door to the office Joey and I said in unison “Thank.God!” A woman sitting across the office texting on her phone looked up and gave us a dirty look. I filled out a job application while in the waiting room and made a few calls before being called into the back room to speak to the doctor. Medication was changed, the latest TNF was paused while we try to get on a program for another one – the daddy expensive one of them all that insurance companies normally wouldn’t pay for Remicade.  

Leaving the office with scripts and samples in hand Joey wanted to go by her parents house to get some of her stuff. She didn’t want to go there if her sister is there. [If you are new to this blog you may want to review this post so you get the gist of how much of an abusive bitch she is the dynamics of the relationship.] I needed to go drop off the job application I filled out. I left her in the car to ponder that while I went inside to talk to the assistant manager. By the time I got back in the car she had decided she wanted to go despite her sister being there as it was going to be her only chance to get her stuff. 

Some back-story is that her parents are in the middle of a nasty divorce right now and their house is being foreclosed. Her father and sister still live in the house and have not moved any of their stuff out. I suspect that they will just foreclose with the stuff still there and the only way to get the sister out is for the sheriff to serve a bench warrant. There also is the small minor detail of Joey’s mom taking her sister to court for child support (very long story there). But, you get the gist of it – not a good scene to be walking in to. I griped that she had had all this time to go through her stuff and why now under these circumstances. I also griped that far be it from her mom or dad to actually do anything for her to possibly put the stuff aside or even take it to her mom’s apartment so she could go through it. But, alas no one in Joey’s family thinks of anything but themselves and their own fucked up world. Before we got there her dad called to assure that he had spoken to her sister and she agreed to be civil. We pulled up and walked up the steps and knocked on the door. Sister actually answered the door and let us in. I felt like we were walking into a minefield. There was stuff everywhere, nothing had been boxed up or cleaned. Her sister’s youngest child who she still has custody of ran out with a drawing to show us. He had grown since we last saw him. I felt sorry for him. Joey’s dad came out to the living room and led her back to the bedroom to show her where her stuff was. I followed and stood between her and him. I should have stayed there, actually. He asked her to promise that she wouldn’t start anything with her sister, either. I thought this was ludicrous. When the hell had Joey ever done anything to anyone in her family? If they would see beyond their noses they might notice that she can barely walk and get around let alone go up against her sister that’s as huge as an amazon. I was getting angry and wanted to leave. Her dad motioned me downstairs, through the garage and out the back door to show me this Queen of the Night he had growing in a pot. He wanted me to take it and put it in the house. I was shaking my head saying no I had cats, etc. and the whole time I was wanting to get back inside. I did not want to leave Joey’s side. I walked back inside and found her pulling boxes out of the closet. Her mom was standing there with a very angry look on her face. I asked her how her job at Wal-Mart was going and she said it sucked. I wanted to say that at least she had a job. I grabbed a couple of boxes and told Joey that I was going out to put them in the car. As I walked out of the house I heard her mom start to yell at her dad. I threw the boxes into the car thinking I had to get inside and get Joey out of there before all hell broke loose. I ran up the stairs and opened the door. They were arguing in front of the door. I edged in and around them as her mom hauled off and smacked her dad across the face. I heard her screaming, him and her sister yelling. I didn’t care if they killed each other but over my dead body where they going to touch my future wife. I ran into the bedroom and said, “Apparently, we were the only ones sworn to be civil. We have to go – now!”  Joey agreed as I picked up the last two boxes all at once and ran out with her behind me. Her mom stormed out the front door shouting over her shoulder that we had to move our car because she was leaving. [Really? Why not stay and have tea?] I said that we were right behind her and that we would move. As we got down to the car her mom started her van and started reviving it. Joey said, “Just throw it in and I will be in by the time you get around.” I jumped in, started the car and threw it into reverse and backed up only I stopped to see if anyone was coming before going out of the driveway. Joey said, “You’d better go because she’s still coming.” I looked forward and she was right – her mom was heading right for the car and I floored it out of the driveway narrowing missing from getting plowed into. I was like “What.The.Fuck. I cannot believe your mom almost hit us!” My pulse was racing, my adrenaline pumping and my back sore from picking up those two boxes. I was pissed and then sad. Pissed at their behavior, pissed that her mom almost hit us [I mean her daughter was in the car that she almost ran over for key-rist-sakes!] Sad that anyone would want to hurt my sweet little Joey physically and mentally. 

My breathing and pulse didn’t return to normal until we were almost to I-285. As we passed the sign that had name of my old boss I flipped it off. [The reason there is a sign with his name on it is because he built the interchange when he was a Nazi Gestapo DOT commissioner.] That felt good. I will take whatever I can get in that department these days. We rolled into our neighborhood and I dropped Joey off to shop while I went to the pharmacy to pick up the new meds. I called Laura and told her what happened. After hanging up, Doug the pharmacist asked how I was today and I just shrugged. He said I could do better than that and I shrugged again and handed him the list of drugs to fill. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I would start crying. When I picked Joey up she told me her niece had just called yelling at her because she didn’t stick up for her Mom. I asked her if she told her that her mom had tried to kill us with the van. She said she did and that the niece had hung up on her. I told her that I would have her number changed if anyone from her family decided to contact her in the next century. She said it was fine that she would answer when hell froze over. We then decided to go to the grocery store to get ice cream [for her] and beer [for me] and take it over to Laura’s to finish watching the rest of the Tudor’s. 

Later, at home Joey unloaded the car of her stuff. There were baby pictures of the boy, yearbooks and various mementos that she wanted. She showed me a picture of her in her first wedding dress and I said that it was worth it just to get that picture. I remembered being at her grandmother’s funeral and seeing a small version of that picture on a board and wanting to peel it off and put it in my pocket.

Thursday is supposed to be the only nice day this week and I think I’m getting out on the motorcycle for a day in the Georgia Mountains. I need a break. Anyway, that’s our day. Have another drink. I think I will, too.

the grind

Today was the fourth of the business meetings I had set and I was to have lunch with this guy that worked for an environmental remediation company. I was pretty sure going into it that he wasn’t hiring but these days I never want to turn down a point of contact. When I originally called to set the appointment three weeks ago he suggested lunch. At the time it seemed reasonable but today as I put my suit on it felt strange – like I was going on a blind date.

 

I pulled up to the building, put on my suit jacket, grabbed my briefcase and went inside. A man who took my name and went off to let the person I was meeting know that I was there. Looking around the office I knew that I was waaay over dressed. There were dilapidated chairs in this small room that I presumed was to be a waiting room. A few cardboard boxes sat in a corner and a huge fish tank was against the wall. I stared at the tank. My assumption was confirmed when the guy I was meeting walked out in jeans and a T-shirt with the company name on it. I thought “So much for a business meeting”. We shook hands and he asked me where I wanted to go for lunch as we walked outside. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying “McDonald’s drive-thru”. He rattled off some suggestions that included pizza, Chinese and a sub place. I said any were fine. I asked if he would like for me to follow him and he asked if I minded driving. I thought “Well, I was the one who set the meeting so I guess I shouldn’t mind driving.” We got into my car and he directed me to a Chinese restaurant up the street. The whole time I am thinking that this lunch cannot go fast enough.

 

We sat down and ordered. There was a man in the booth behind me that was laughing very loud. Conversation was stifled. I threw my whole presentation out of the window, took off my jacket and rolled up my sleeves. I knew that this guy wasn’t going to offer me anything and even so I was getting the feeling that I didn’t want anything he had to offer anyway. I felt all last year working in a cold, dirty job trailer with a micromanaging boss wash over me and I had to pull myself back to reality as the woman sat down the food in front of us.

Not that he struck me as a micromanager – I had heard quite the opposite about him. It was the whole inspector, site work role. And, don’t get me wrong it’s not as if I want to rule out ever doing that again but not everyday. I want suits when I am giving a presentation or going to an important meeting. I want an office again – with heat and a restroom with a flushing toilet down the hall. I want talking to a coworker at the coffee maker. I want to hear a copier again. I want to turn on my computer and read my company email, respond and take phone calls. I want to feel like I have a purpose again. Like I am doing something. I was brought back and realized this guy was talking to me. It was blind date conversation. Where we’ve worked, where we’re from, where we went to college and so forth. I started to pretend that I had met him on the internet – only thinking he was a woman and showed up at the date only to realize that he was a man.

 

The check came and I picked it up hoping to end the lunch. As I opened my wallet I thought “And, I’m going to pick up lunch, too.” Just then he took it out of my hand and said, “Hey, you’re unemployed – I got this. I know what it’s like. Let me get this.” Then, I changed my thinking. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought after all. Here was someone offering to buy me lunch and take the time to meet with a complete stranger. Here is yet another contact who could turn out to be invaluable in the future.

 

I drove home and shucked the suit and cut the grass. As I mowed I thought I needed to go inside, make more phone calls, try to set more appointments. Then, I thought that I have been going, going, going for more than a week and that I needed a rest, a break  – even if it was just for the remainder of the day. I realize that I have the hardest time with that. I still feel exhausted from teaching and meeting with people for the last week and a half. It’s been a constant “be a personable person” and it drains me after awhile and I need a break.

I have to know when to take breaks I feel like I’m not doing anything when I do, that I have to keep grinding away at it.

 

Maybe the breaks are the most invaluable of all.

coincidence and running

I was sitting in the back office updating my website and watching Footloose. Joey had mentioned my going for a run that day to possibly blow off some steam. Recently, I have felt my mental state slide into a deep crevice with slippery walls. Bloody fingers, broken nails try as I might I could not seem to climb out. What I really felt like doing was going into the kitchen and opening up a beer. No, wait. I felt like going to the store and buying a 12 pack and then opening a beer and not worrying about running out anytime soon (at least until the next day). I knew deep down that this was not going to cut it help. I got up and went in to find my running clothes. It had been months since I had gone out on a run by myself. I found my shoes at the bottom of the closet. I put on my shorts and dry fit top. (yes, I said “top”). I grabbed my ipod and a cup of water and went outside to stretch.

 

I started running down the street and stopped 8 houses down because there was Dawn weed eating in one of my neighbor’s yards. (She apparently hadn’t been fired for doing side work) When did she start doing that yard, I thought. I hadn’t seen her since I’d been fired told not to come back. I had no idea if she knew why I hadn’t been back. I stood there and watched her until she looked up and saw me. She turned off the weed eater and reluctantly came down to see me. My stomach sunk thinking that I had messed up things for her at work and that she didn’t really want to see me. I had planned to just say hi and continue my run but she said that she was sad because she had had to put one of her dogs down that day. (Wow, both Holly and her in the same week). I think she had been crying while she was weed eating. We talked about work and she knew what happened. In fact, Holly had asked her that day if I had said anything to her about working other jobs. She told her that I had and said that everyone worked other gigs she knew about and asked what the big deal was if I did. (Dawn herself is a gardener for three other clients on days when she isn’t working for Holly) One of the days we were working together we talked about doing some jobs together on off days when Holly didn’t need us. Sitting around last week and getting texts from her saying that she didn’t need me to come in I started to think about making that conversation a reality. I needed to find other means to help support myself.

 

I told her if she was still there by the time I came back around from my run to stop by the house. I started running again and wondered why I had waited so long to do that. I thought it was a somewhat weird coincidence that I happened to run by at the same time she was there working – especially, given the circumstances. I wondered if she would come down afterwards or if she would just leave. I felt guilt about possibly making a mess of work for her. I put it out of my mind and concentrated on running. As I ran past the playground I looked at the chin-up bar and remembered when I could do ten reps. I fantasized about possibly working up to five. I ran back by the yard and waved at Dawn and turned up the street towards the house. Joey was home when I got there. We talked and I told her what had transpired on my run and that Dawn may stop by. I told her my doubts, too. I went to do something in another part of the house and I heard Joey say hi to someone and it was Dawn. She told me that she just wanted to come to the house and tell me that she had been thinking about us doing work together and wanted me to know that she was interested and excited about it. That she had been thinking about it ever since we talked about it last week. (I think it was when we were riding together that day we were trimming that awful privet at Villa de la Mosquito). I immediately heaved a sigh of relief. She said that she didn’t want to work with blower lady anymore and that she couldn’t believe Holly getting so upset with me over working on days that she didn’t need me. We agreed to meet the following week to discuss it more.

 

I have written my friend a letter saying that I didn’t mean to hurt her with my looking for jobs outside of work for her. I do realize that she was coming from an emotional place but wonder how she can expect someone in my shoes to not go out and find other work? Again, I can understand if I was actively trying to steal her clients or find work through her clients but the type of work Dawn and I are looking at is in an altogether different realm (not to mention in a different part of town). I haven’t sent the letter yet. I am still hurt over the whole thing and I don’t feel that finishing it, proofreading it and hitting the email button is worth my time and energy right now although, I did throw out all my sweat stained work shirts.

the universe

 The first of the week I was supposed to have a mock interview session with my career coach that was to be taped and critiqued. 

 

I bagged it. 

 

I was just so worn out, depressed, angry and tired of all the job hunting stuff. More left messages, more “the job has been frozen” or “we’ve already hired someone” or my favorite “H.R. will contact you if they deem you worthy find your qualifications match the job.” I was so sick of it and needed a break before I had a breakdown. I also found out that one of my previous bosses could have moved me to another department to save me from being laid off but instead decided to downsize me instead. This was an especially hard pill to swallow being that I had worked side-by-side with the man for two years and him being practically a neighbor of mine. (We both live in the same neighborhood). Ah, but the thing that keeps me going is that karma is a good thing. 

So, yeah – wasn’t really in the mindset of putting on a suit and doing a mock interview. I’m sure the camera would have caught my bad attitude and the resentful gleam in my eyes. My career coach would have been all over that. But, trying to convince her of that fell on deaf ears. “You have to stay positive and keep trying.” Yes, yes I know all that. Know.all.that. but still want both my old bosses to rot in hell. Know all that and still think that I have been dealt an unfair card. A two of diamonds or some such when trying to play the Texas Holdem’ of Life. Anyway, you catch my drift. You of blogland understand. My sounding boards, my solace. Moving on….

I’m still sending out the letters and still making calls but to contacts that I already know and have worked with previously. It makes more sense to me. Plus, it’s a way to catch up with people I haven’t see or spoken to in years. It’s been a little enlightening to say the least. In the meantime, I am still the convert landscaper but considering taking on my own business until this dreadful economy picks up. I know how to do all this so why not do it for myself?  This past week seemed to be a little less drama filled. Working with the blower lady I have learned to take along my Ipod for such days as they lack any sort of dialogue other than “Can I get over?” or “Would you prune that while I blow?” I worked a few days with the owner, Holly, and learned that it doesn’t take much to frustrate her. I feel that her and I are cut from the same cloth sometimes. Yesterday, I got to work with Dawn all day with was fun despite the horrid job of whacking the mosquito filled privet with gas powered hedge clippers that could cut your leg off in a second if they slipped. Even the most difficult job are fun as long as your partner in crime is fun to be around, I have learned. Later, that day we sodded an entire back yard and marveled at how much work that was. As I pulled up to the dumpster to unload the truck of it’s pile of sod divots I imitated how the blower lady pulls the truck up when she’s driving. We both cracked up. 

Yes, a difficult job is made much better when your partner has a personality sense of humor.

I have decided that writing is my only solace these days. Well. I digress. It depends on what type of writing I do. If it’s blog, fictional or on my existing book – then, yes, that is my solace. If it’s writing business letters……not so much. 

I am at a point of frustration.  Deep. Frustration. I want to throw things, I want to yell and I want to  - well – hate but, I only cry and I’m not supposed to hate.  It’s been almost a month since I was laid off. Since then I had been meeting with my career coach three mornings a week until I started working landscaping last week. I have written a dozen business letters – all personally written and groomed for the person they are going to who I have researched extensively. I have made calls, left voice mails, spoken to actual recipients who bounced me to H.R. where resume’s and applications go to be lost forever or to die a quick death. There’s been the thank you [for nothing] letters, the emails, and follow up calls. Nothing. Nada. Not a thing. I guess it’s a good thing I am doing landscaping work – the things I throw are sacks of clippings into the back of the truck, the yelling I do is over the blower lady’s noise and the hating goes towards the poison ivy. I guess poison ivy is a safe thing to hate – to say you hate. I mean, no one can blame a person for hating poison ivy, right?  

I’m also frustrated for my love. I took her to a doctor’s appointment today. It was one of the appointments where we were to go over the sleep study – which, ended up telling us what we knew already – that she wasn’t going in to deep sleep and REM sleep. DUR! And, that probably it was the side effect from the mother fucking Humera. [it's my blog I can curse on it....] So, she started a new drug today. This one is called Simponi. (More like symphony and not sim-pony – although, I like the later better it sounds kinda like a strip club) The good news is that the doctor had a free sample to give her and that she only has to take it once a month. The bad news is that it will probably take a month and another injection for her to start feeling any improvement. In meantime, she’s still fatigued, in pain and depressed. Today was to be our fun day to be together even if it meant going to various doctors. But, we were both tired (me from teaching a horrible class this past weekend) and snapped at each other. Once home she took a nap and I wrote my g.d. business letters and did my homework for writing class.  After printing the homework and addressing the envelopes with my business letters and resumes in them I wanted to run to the post office. Joey had just gotten up and I asked her if she wanted to go. We got in the car and I said something to the effect of not knowing why I even bothered and a waste of time and she said “Well, if you think that it will be.” Of course it will. I know that. But, I cant’ help it. I have to do something with this pent up frustration. I have to feelings that I cannot turn off. I cannot just be all “Oh well. It will all be beautiful posies (unless I’m at the mansion) and everything will be great!”  I’m angry that I got laid off – especially, since I feel that I can do better than my immediate boss for less money and he still has a job. I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not getting anywhere. I feel like it’s unfair that I cannot have what I want right now despite always working hard. Now what has hard work ever gotten me? Certainly not job security. 

I go into the kitchen to get a beer and notice stamped addressed letters to our congressman from Joey [which she mails every week to all three of his offices] asking that he please get the disability office to assign her case. It’s sat for almost 8 months now without being assigned a case worker. I’m frustrated about that, too. 

Some of the things you’re probably saying after reading the above is- “It will happen, it will come. Have faith. Don’t be like that. If you think negative it will be negative. You should be thankful for what you have…” 

It’s all noise to me. I feel what I feel. Period. 

It’s the reason why I need to write. My next book. Where my character feels and does the things  -

-that I‘m not supposed to cannot feel and do.

the covert landscaper

This is a picture of one of the jobs I worked on today. I have to secretly take pictures of these places as the clients are very wealthy and could get a little upset if they saw the landscaper taking pictures of their place. So, this landscaper has to be pretending to check texts in between clipping, cutting and pulling. At this particular place this photo was taken in the back of the house. That structure you see through the trees is the pool house. All these places that we go to work have a pool house. Like, just having a pool wasn’t enough….

This particular place you could clip, pull, prune, hedge, blow, spray and cut for days and still never be done. Being the anal retentive person that I am I have to turn away and not think about it or else they will have to drag me out of there clawing the pavement saying “No. Wait! I have one.more.thing.TO DO!” (I can already see something in this picture I should have clipped – dammit!) 

It blows my mind. How much money I see. Every house we’re at has these gas lamps that continue to burn throughout the day even though it is bright and 90 degrees outside. Did I mention it was 90 degrees outside? Yeah. By 2:00 I wanted to fall.out. from working in the heat. I counted the minutes as I clipped the hedges. 

This week not only is my friend, the boss, out because of the new baby but also a flu bug seems to have hit the maintenance crew. There is just me, Julie the fore-woman and O-lee-ba (not sure how to spell his name but that’s the pronunciation). We are to be the maintenance crew today. When maintenance is just a short word for lifting and man-handling heavy equipment around that makes a lot of noise. We pulled up to Randy and David’s first thing this morning. Great.  I realized too quickly that I appreciated this place more when I was sitting by the pool having a drink at the baby shower. We were to cut the grass on their 85 degree front lawn and the strips of turf in the back that are elevated by steps. Which, meant getting the lawnmower up a very steep hill, up steps, along the side of the house on cobblestones, around a pot, up steps to the pool area, around the jacuzzi, and then up three steps to the top step. By the time I had gotten here I was ready for lunch. Plus, the sprinkler system was on, I was getting wet, and oh, they hadn’t cleaned up after their dog(s) in a few days. I started the Honda mower like I knew what I was doing and proceeded to bang into the side of the POOL HOUSE every time my row was finished. Of course, stepping into every pile of dog doo I could find. Fortunately, the grass was so wet that it washed off the dog doo. 

Next up, after practically loosing the mower down the hill crashing on to the street Mrs. Jackson’s house. ["I'm sorry, Mz. Jackson - I.am.fo.REEEAL!"] Julie gives me the weed eater and says “Go lightly, it’s fescue.” I take it out of her hand thinking “It’s just weed eating – I can do this!” Only to grind off every semblance of grass down to the dirt the first time out. Apparently, I am as good at weed eating as I am at mowing. On to the next house (can’t remember the client’s name) where every flower, shrub and rose is WHITE. I call it the “white woman’s” house. (this is in Buckhead, so quite fitting, I think) I am on mowing duty again. Again, it’s the Honda mower. Which, I start again like I know what I’m doing. There’s a strip of grass 3 feet wide before the yard starts that I go to mow and as I’m going up the strip the wheel goes off the edge and grinds the grass into dirt and the mower dies. Julie looks over. Uh-oh. I lost mower duty to O-lee-ba after that. Clipping and pruning serves me fine. One thing I noticed is that Julie clips a few things and then blows for an hour. Apparently, blowing comes with seniority. Ok, I get it. Although, I personally think noticed that someone can blow for 5 minutes and I still think it’s excessive. 

Finally, the day is over. We’re driving back in the truck. O-lee-ba is holding his stomach. It has hurt him all day. Probably a hernia from all the maintenance. We pass by houses in the millions all with pool houses, I suspect. Julie said, “Good job today, guys!” I think about all the million dollar projects I have managed and never a thank you for anything. All I did today was destroy some grass and clip some shrubs and I get thanked. Funny.